Prioritizing Self Care
“Self care” is quite the buzz word lately. And yet, most of us struggle with finding/making the time to take care of ourselves. Many people find it particularly challenging to put themselves first. It feels selfish. Mothers, in particular, generally have a difficult time making time to take care of themselves, let alone put themselves first. No matter how many times we hear the advice “put your own oxygen mask on first” it goes against our grain. Part of it is cultural. We have been taught that it is “selfish, indulgent, frivolous” to do things for ourselves.
Particularly in American culture which is built on a Puritanical work ethic which values “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” or British culture, famous for “keep calm and carry on” as well as “chin up!” These stoic values are admirable to a point. But at a certain point, omitting self care backfires. The reality is that if you are worn down, depleted, if your own needs aren’t met, you aren’t going to be much help to anyone else. So while we think that putting others first, skimping on sleep, not giving ourselves the rest we need, using caffeine and junk food to keep us going is the best way to serve, it actually backfires.
Take the example of a pilot flying a plane. The pilot is responsible for all of the passengers and staff on the plane. They even refer to the number of bodies on a plane as “souls” (how’s that for really digging into the deep resonance of responsibility?) So imagine that this pilot has been home for two days before the flight, and she has been busily attending to the needs of children, husband, and household. She has not gotten much sleep because one of her babies is teething. She is only home for the two days so she feels she needs to catch up on laundry and cleaning. She wants to devote time to her husband as well, so instead of having a much needed early night, she stays up to have a grown up dinner with him after the kids are asleep. All of these activities are well intentioned. She is caring for her family. Her family needs her. She doesn’t want to disappoint. However, the consequence is that she is exhausted when she shows up for her shift. And now we have an over tired pilot flying the plane.
None of this is anyone’s “fault”. What it points to is a shift in thinking. That taking care of YOURSELF is actually making you a better YOU to serve those around you. Instead of thinking of self care as selfish. Think of it as a way to BETTER serve others. If you’re an exhausted mom running around like crazy to take care of everyone else, remind yourself that taking that much needed nap and putting everyone else on hold (no putting the kids in front of a movie or plugging them into electronics while you take a nap won’t kill them!) is going to make you a better mom who can be more present and attentive.
TIPS FOR SELF CARE:
Write down 5-10 relaxing treats that refuel, rejuvenate, revive you (if these feel “indulgent” that’s even better!)
SCHEDULE them. You need a DAILY “retreat” for yourself. Even if it is 10 minutes of lying down with your ear buds and your favorite tunes. Schedule it in your calendar. Set an alarm.
The important part is to treat your appointment with yourself like an appointment with someone else: if you blow off your doctor or dentist appointment, you will be charged a fee. Your self care appointment has to take on the same level of importance. In fact this is AS important as seeing the doctor. This is your mental and physical well being we are talking about! YOU CANNOT POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP. Trying to do so repeatedly will only result in burnout.
So are your gremlins getting riled up? Are those little voices in your head already dismissing what I have said? “I don’t have time for this”. “This is selfish and self indulgent”. “I’m strong! I don’t need self care. That’s for weak people”. “I have to take care of kids, parents, clients, pets….I don’t have time for bubble baths!” “Naps are for babies. ”GREAT! Let those gremlins yammer their heads off and WRITE IT DOWN. These are your LIMITING BELIEFS (more on that in future blogs). Limiting beliefs hold us back. Give the gremlins a place on your phone or their own notebook and go at it - write down all the reasons why you “shouldn’t” take care of yourself.
And then remember the pilot. And ask yourself, if I have so much resistance to this, perhaps there is some truth to this whole self care thing?
So: write down something you will do for YOU each day this week. It doesn’t have to be an entire day at the spa (though go for it if that works for you!) It can be small and manageable: 10 minutes alone in a room with your favorite music, 20 minutes reading a book you’ve been interested in, 30 minutes having a coffee with a friend, 15 minutes walking around the block listening to a podcast you love. Schedule it (give it a time and place) and then DO IT. Notice how you feel when you have gone ahead with your self care plan and notice how you feel when you don’t give yourself what you need. If you’re getting stuck with this whole idea, tune back in for some guidance on how to deal with LIMITING BELIEFS.
Breath. You got this.
Tamar
