Everybody’s a Critic

You know that little voice in your head? The one that comes out and verbally whacks you over the head with a hammer? The “inner critic”, “gremlin”, “ego”. It’s that annoying voice that is always criticizing and putting you down. Constantly telling you that you’re not good enough and generally being sort of… a jerk.  Have you noticed that we say things to ourselves that we would never say to someone else? Mean, horrible things. We hold ourselves to higher standards than we would someone else and we are constantly comparing (see more on the upcoming blog post “Compare and Despair”).

Let’s be real- negative thoughts are addicting.  We tend to absorb the negative and reflect the positive.  People focus on the critique, not the positive feedback.  We give more weight to our failures than our successes.  Why? Partly because we are wired this way for survival.  Back in the day when we had to avoid being eaten by a Sabertooth tiger, our survival depended on giving priority to negative feedback - purely so we would stay alive.  

Another reason is that habits are difficult to break.  Once we develop certain neural pathways in the brain, it is difficult to reroute… not impossible, but difficult.  It’s just that our thoughts are used to following a certain track (imagine a train track) and until we reroute the track, we keep following the same path. 

We crave the familiar, even if it is not what makes us feel good or not what is best for us. It’s “comfortable”.  We become our inner critic’s biggest fan, despite the misery this voice causes us.  So as soon as that critical voice starts yammering at us,  we jump up and down to get a front row seat. Isn’t that interesting? It’s like the compulsion to stare at a car crash or pick at a scab. We have a hard time pulling away from that which doesn’t always serve us.

Even though every cell in your body is going to become a fan girl for that negative voice (yeah give me more of that self hate!) and the secret is to let it be.  

Don’t buy into it. 

Don’t give it an audience. 

Don’t actively fight it. 

Don’t argue with it. 

Just let it go. 

Remember: just because you think it, does not make it so. You are not your thoughts. Let me say that again. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS!

The negative voice wants to play tug of war. It’s your inner bully. Just drop the rope. Don’t play. Sit down. Relax. It’s a child having a tantrum and screaming for your intention.  Imagine a two year old yelling at you, “You have googly eyes! You’re a poo poo head! You’re the meanest mom/dad/friend/ teacher ever!”.

You’re not going to engage in an argument with the two year old; neither are you going to give credit to what he’s saying. But when our negative voice speaks, we clamor to listen like it’s the new gospel.

Just like with a tantrumming child, turn your attention elsewhere.  Get into your body: do something physical, take a walk, dance, do some jumping jacks.  Connect with someone else. Distraction is key! Most of all STOP playing fan girl to the inner critic.  You can give the inner critic its own place to rant (write it out in a journal or on a piece of paper - and leave it there.) This is the inner critic’s tantrum.  It is not the authentic YOU. 

You can say “thank you for sharing” and let that tirade (on the piece of paper) go. Now rip it to the teeniest tiny pieces, or burn it in a releasing ritual (in a well ventilated and fire safe place).

Resources for diving deeper into how to notice your thoughts:
“Thoughts without a Thinker,” by Mark Epstein

“Radical Acceptance,” by Tara Brach

Breathe. You got this.

Tamar