The Need to Please

Do you find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no? Do you automatically agree to other people’s requests?  Do you feel a strong desire to make sure people are pleased by your behavior?

Many of us are “people pleasers” and we don’t even realize it.  The “need to please” can come from a variety of reasons.  Fundamentally, it is connected to a core belief that our worth is based on how content others are in relation to us.  Of course our behaviors affect other people.  But the “people pleasing” need gets out of proportion so that 1) we feel we are RESPONSIBLE for all sorts of things that are out of our control. 2) Other people’s happiness depends on us (that we have the power to control other people’s sense of self) 3. That our own self worth is dependent on the happiness of others in relation to us.  

According to Khiron Clinics, “Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences, and boundaries.”

The above is taken from psychotherapist Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Walker coined the term ‘fawning’ to describe what he observed to be a fourth type of response to threat, along with fight, flight, and freeze.

When I work with clients who struggle with the need to please, I remind them that they are not omnipotent.  They are not God.  This extreme comparison can help people see the enormous responsibility they put on themselves, investing themselves with powers they do not possess. The need to please sends us down an impossible spiral as we are constantly looking to the wellbeing of others as a barometer of our own self worth.

This can come from a variety of past experiences.  If we are strong people pleasers, likely sometime in our childhood, we were given the strong message that we not only were responsible for the happiness (or misery) of others, but more importantly, that we have the POWER to control it.  This is like telling a child they have a superpower to be invisible, to control the weather or to make earthquakes happen.  More often than not, this is not a conscious message.  It’s not likely someone blatantly told you this as a kid.  But, somewhere along the line you were probably given subtle and repetitive messages. For example: if you had a parent who was often unhappy or depressed and were told that it was because of your behavior. Or if you had a sibling who struggled with any issues and you were put in charge of looking after them. Or if you experienced any sort of trauma - emotional/physical abuse or family trauma and were told that it was your fault and you brought it on.  These very strong messages tell children that they are not only responsible, but have the POWER to control other people’s feelings and that if anything negative happens, it is THEIR fault. WOW. That’s a big burden to carry as a kid, and most often, onto adulthood.

Because these messages get wired into our brain early, it takes conscious & consistent work to CHANGE the wiring.  Imagine there are train tracks in your brain.  The tracks get laid down very early on.  It takes conscious effort to CHANGE the tracks to set a different route.

SO how do you do this?

1. Become conscious of when you feel the need to please. Start noticing it. Write it down.

2. Notice how that “need” feels in your body so that you can become aware when you get “triggered”.

3. Ask yourself, what would happen if I did NOT follow the “need to please”? What is the worst case scenario? (Write down your fears about what might happen).

4.  Whenever you feel the need to please (when you are asked to do something and you feel the auto response to comply), PAUSE, and check in with yourself - do you really WANT to do this? If you find it too overwhelming to pause, start training yourself to automatically reply “Let me think about it and get back to you”.  This will stop your automatic response to comply, and give you time to check in with yourself.

5. THIS WILL FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.  Your brain train has been going down the same track for your entire life.  Every cell in your body is going to scream “No!! I don’t want to go a different route!”  We resist change. That is NORMAL.  But do it anyway. PAUSE. CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF.

Over time this will become easier and the resistance will subside.  It takes practice.  But in the end, listening to your authentic self is going to make you feel happier and more peaceful and ultimately that will help those around you.

And remember, breathe. You got this.

Tamar